Love, Second-Life Style

by Dave

“Love is like the measles - we all have to go through it.”

Thanks to a friend’s proficiency with avatars (see ‘Dave Gets a Life’), I now looked more like a seasoned SL resident, instead of a newbie stumbling around in one of the standard AV‘s.  My profile said I was in my third month on SL.

It all started out so innocently.  I logged out from the beach at Otium one evening, not noticing that I had received an IM just as I was signing out.  When I logged in the next day, a message popped up:

“welcome to SL. (i snuck up behind you at Otium :)”

The name was intriguing.  The profile displayed a female avatar with a background of long-term involvement in SL activities.  I responded:

“Hi . . . must have been just as i left . . . “

The respondent wasn't online, so I wrote it off as a missed connection.  -But a couple of hours later, I received a response:

“happy to help - want to add me for a bit? - if we don’t click as buddies, no hard feelings :)”

This was followed by a friendship offer.  I accepted.  A reply came quickly:

“yay! we will workshop your noobiness soon! . . . gtg - bye”

This little story is about a newbie’s experience with SL romance, not the sexual activity for which the site is so famous (and which, in comparison, is pretty benign).  At this point I had decided not to get involved in SL romance.  I could see and hear it going on all around me.  It seemed like a sort of make-believe RP game among people who didn't really know each other.  But conversation was often enjoyable, and I saw this new contact as an opportunity to make a friend and learn more about SL.

We started chatting when we were both online.  The conversation was sparkly and pleasant.  She sent me links to websites that offered low-cost clothing and other items.  Eventually we met at a popular blues club.  It turned out she had just been dumped in an SL romance, and wanted to talk about it.  I encouraged her to speak, listening attentively.  In the course of the conversation, we became friends.

We began exploring sims together and working on my building skills.  She showed me how the poseballs work, including the ones for couples.  The automated simulations were designed to emulate human behavior, connect to memories of real-life events, stir the imagination.  I got caught up in the mood of it and immersed myself in the role.

By the time I saw the words,

“im falling for you Dave”,

in the midst of a couples embrace, it was already too late.  There was no turning back.  For better or for worse, I was about to learn all about SL romance.

Expressing feelings in SL is sometimes called ‘emoting’ - I think it’s a term borrowed from RP.  I’m a writer, so when she told me I was emoting, I figured it was something I’d been doing for years - that’s what writing is all about.  But there’s something special about it in the Second-Life environment.  The avatars, accompanied by dialogue, convey a lot more than just the written word.  There is an interactive presence that takes communication (especially communication of feelings) to an entirely different level.

Another unique aspect of SL romance is the speed at which it moves - it seems to do so of its own accord, despite all attempts by participants to slow things down.  If you’re not careful, you can go from a headlong rush into intimacy to a scary session of brutal honesty in a matter of days - as I did.  This can happen even if you are careful.

How does it happen?  Well, the starting point of any SL interaction is conversation, and it seems deceptively easy for a casual conversation to become intimate, even when there are really few shared interests.  How this is managed depends on individual preferences.  As in most Second-Life activities, there is a wide range of viewpoints regarding SL romance.  Some decide at the outset to have nothing to do with it.  Others thrive on the pleasure and pain of the roller-coaster ride.  Most of us are somewhere in between.

A good friend (who happens to be a long-term SL resident) recommends being honest about your feelings while keeping a safe distance.   I think this is excellent advice, especially for the uninitiated.

This new level of initiation to SL was, for me, an important turning point, a change of direction.  I began creating my own avatar instead of letting others do it for me.  I still ask for advice from others, but I spend more time learning things on my own - which, in the end, is the only way it can be done.  And I follow a piece of advice given to me so long ago that I had forgotten it:  the one about taking candy from strangers. :)